Hey Book Sailors, Auntie Obvious here. Brady has been busy, busy, busy so far this this summer, but he asked me to post this story for him. Actually, his exact words were, “Post the story and give it the full social media treatment!” Who am I to contradict the boss man? So…here you go. Enjoy!
It was a dark and stormy night! A figure being chased by the police dashed through the unforgiving Paris dusk. A cop said, “He vent zat vay!” The figure ran, ran, and ran for what seemed like hours before he reached his destination, the Eiffel Tower. He attached rocket boosters to the four legs of the tower and produced a red button from his pocket. He looked at it momentarily, and then without hesitation, PRESSED IT! The engines on the tower ignited, propelling itself into the air. The man thought, “The plan is going perfectly.” But before he could navigate the tower to the field he had selected, the police showed up. “Put your hands in zee air!”, one of them said. The figure put up one of his hands and revealed what he was holding in the other!…………surprise………..A lethal fresh baked Baguette!
“Fear me” the figure said, “For I am zee baguette man!” He hit one of the police officers with his vicious, but delicious, weapon, but then he realized it was a dark and stormy night so his baguette was soaked and softened by the rain. Baguette Man said, “Even zo I may be facing arrest, at least I have stolen the Eiffel Tower.” At that point, the Eifel tower fell out of the sky, right back where it had originally been.
“AAARRRGGGUUUHHH!!” said the figure.
Ten years later
Badger Lee, AKA Mr. Anti-hero, was walking to work. He did not have a normal job like the average person; he was a super villain and member of the wannabe villain group, The Villain People Club. He knocked on the door of VPC HQ. His best friend Cat Thing let him in. Cat Thing is a human and animal hybrid known as a Manimal. Badger walked inside the tall and familiar building and set down his stuff. Cat Thing said, “So, do you remember that Paris trip we were talking about a few months ago?” Badger relied, “Sure. I thought we concluded that it was impossible to steal the Eiffel Tower and rooms were too expensive.” “Well”, said Cat Thing, “We have solved both of those problems.” Cat Thing took out his computer and showed Mr. Anti-hero the video of the figure’s attempt to steal the Eiffel Tower ten years earlier. Cat Thing laughed when the figure said he was Baguette man and hit the officer with a soggy loaf of bread. Cat Thing continued, “I think we could use telekinesis instead of rockets because that would not short-circuit.” Badger said, “But the only telekinetic we know is…..” Before he can finish, Hero Boy steps out from behind Cat Thing and says, “Me!”
Mr, Anti-hero said, “Are you crazy, Cat Thing? Cat Thing said, “Does anyone ever say yes to that question?” Mr. Anti-hero continued, “That guy kidnapped me for a ransom.” Hero Boy said, “And then you Rick Rolled me, so I think we are even.” “How could that possibly make us even?”, said Badger. “Relax, Badger.”, said Cat Thing. “We just need Hero Boy to pull the Tower loose from the ground and then Scowl will grab it and teleport it to that nice park in Ambrosia.” Badger said, “So we are going to steal it from Paris and teleport it to Montana? I like it!” Cat thing asked, “Scowl, have you teleported anything that far?” Scowl said, “Well, I teleported a snow globe I stole in China to Djibouti by accident.” “That’s all I need to hear! Our flight’s leaving’ in an hour.”, said Cat Thing. The VPC and Hero Boy loaded themselves into Scowl’s Porsche and took off. “Uh Cat Thing?”, said Badger, “I don’t have a suitcase.” Cat Thing said, “OK I’m sure the clothes at the giftshops won’t be too pricey.” After about twenty minutes they arrived. They went up to security, but right before Scowl went through, Hero Boy slipped a chunk of metal into Scowl’s back pocket and as the TSA agents carried him away he shouted, “REMEMBER ME !!!”
The rest of them went through security without being buzzed and made their way to the plane. As they boarded, the pilot came on the intercom and said, “Hero Boy, you have done great services to our country so we are giving you a free upgrade to First Class. “Enjoy economy class Villain People.”, said Hero Boy as a flight attendant handed him a complimentary apple cider. Ninja Girl rushed onto the plane and said, “Sorry I am late, but I just made it.” Badger and the others trudged to their seats in the very back. Badger was put next to a family with a crying child and despite all means of trying by the anxious parents, the baby would not stop crying. Badger suffered through eleven hours without sleep. As the flight ended, he noticed Hero Boy asleep in a seat that reclined into a bed, with a partially eaten prime rib and desert in front of him. Badger aggressively shook Hero Boy awake, and Hero boy said as he stretched and let out a big yawn, “Are we there already?” Badger let out an “AAARRRGGGUUUHHH” and said, “I bet the time went fast for you.”
They went out of the airport and took and Uber to their Hotel. They went to the front desk to register and claim their key, but there was a problem. “I am zorry” said the clerk as he looked at Cat thing, ”but vees is not a pet friendly hotel.” Two security guards shoved Cat Thing into a crate and took him away. “Continue with the missionnnnnn!”, Cat thing shouted.
“That’s strange”, said Ninja Girl. “I wonder who booked this hotel?” At that time the members of the VPC hear the clerk say, “Velcome Hero Boy, ve are proud to have you stay with us, and we are upgrading your room to a penthouse suite. Badger could be heard saying, “AAARRRGGGUUUHHH !!”
They all met later in Hero Boy’s suite. Badger was simmering as he looked around the 1,300 square foot penthouse suite and saw the bed did not have any cigarette burns like the one in his tiny room, and there were complimentary snacks and drinks on a table while Badger had paid $11.00 for a small cookie from the mini-bar. He almost could not stand it, but they had a job to do.
Badger, said, “In Cat Thing’s absence, I am assuming leadership of the team.” Ninja girl said, “OK.” Badger said, “I call our new plan, Operation Slingshot. Hero Boy is going to pick up the Eiffel Tower with all of his telekinesis and his strength and throw it toward the United States. Now, this plan involves hope. Hope that Hero Boy does not have really bad aim and that the Eiffel Tower actually lands in Montana. I do not want to fish it out of the Atlantic Ocean or one of the Great Lakes! Ninja Girl and I will get the crowds away from the Eiffel Tower so no one gets hurt and no one sees what is happening until it is too late. We don’t need the police or the army finding out about this before we are done. When they were walking out of the suite, Hero Boy caught his cape on the door and ripped it. Badger said to Hero Boy, “ I left my hat on the table, can you retrieve it for me. Hero boy tried but his telekinesis would not work. After a few moments, Hero Boy went over to the table and grabbed the hat. Hero Boy asked Ninja Girl, “Can you by any chance sew?” The two went into the suite’s grand master bedroom and closed the door. Ninja Girl stitched up the cape and Hero Boy hurried out first and locked it with his telekinesis, leaving Ninja Girl inside.
Hero Boy said to Badger, who was waiting outside the suite, “Ninja Girl isn’t feeling well and will not be joining us.” The two left the hotel. They hopped on one of the rentable Vespas, and headed for the Eiffel Tower. As they neared the Tower, they saw someone they recognized on the corner. It was………….suspense……………..
The Baguette Man !
“This is perfect.”, said Badger. We have someone with experience stealing the Tower who might be of some help.” They went to the Baguette man and Badger said, “We need your help stealing the Eiffel tower!” “I almost stole the Tower once, but it is a sad, sad story.”, said Baguette Man.
“We watched it on YouTube.” Said Hero Boy. “So, will you join us?” said Badger. “Yes, my Baguette will be in your service.”, said Baguette Man. “Good. Also, do you happen to have a boom box”, asked Badger. “That is another yes.” , said Baugette Man. “Badger said, “Good. Bring it with you.”
The three stood in front of the Eiffel Tower. Hero boy said, “Badger I need you to stand under the Eiffel Tower as a reference. Baguette Man, you need to cause an evacuation. Just yell, “BEES” real loud and every one will run like crazy.” Baguette Man waived around his baguette of doom and yelled “BEEZ, ve are in imminent danger!”, over and over, and everyone ran away. But instead of sending the Tower up, Hero Boy started driving it into the ground, with Badger still under it. Badger felt all alone! Then Badger realized Hero Boy must have framed Scowl, booked the non-pet friendly hotel which got rid of Cat Thing, and somehow kidnapped Ninja Girl. Then Badger remembered that Hero Boy could not move the hat when his cape torn, but it worked again after it was resown. There must be some sort of sophisticated technology in the cape., so Hero boy does not really have telekinesis without the cape. At first the Tower seemed it might crush Badger, but then Baguette Man and every one else were shocked to see Badger pushing the Tower back up with all of his strength. He was not alone! Badger yelled with a strained voice, “Baguette Man, go for the cape and tear it off. It is the Key to his power. Hero Boy is a fraud. “
On Badger’s command, Baguette Man sprang into action and tore off Hero Boy’s cape. The force pushing down on the Tower stopped and Badger was able to replace it in its right position. Badger walked up to Hero Boy, who asked, “Are you going to destroy me?” “No,” said Badger, “But I am gonna destroy your reputation.” He threw a cassette to Baguette Man who had cast aside Hero Boy’s cape, put the tape in the boom box and turned it on..LOUD! Soon everyone in Paris heard the recording on the tape, with Hero Boy saying, “I am sooooo evil. Ha, Ha, Ha.”
The End
Epilogue:
The VPC and Hero Boy headed for the airport to fly back to Ambrosia. They had gotten Cat Thing out of the animal shelter and they went back to the hotel suite and released Ninja Girl. They had received a call from the TSA that they had released Scowl, but that he had a life time ban from flying commercial. As they boarded their plane, Hero Boy started to stop in first class, but the same flight attendant as before said, “Get out of first class, you evil fraud. Go back to the economy section.” Badger said, “Well since there is an empty first class seat, can I take it.” She said, “Sure, have at it. Do you want prime rib or lobster.” “Lobster please, and the name on the order is Anti-hero, Mr. Anti-Hero.” As he reclined in his comfortable seat, with a glass of apple cider, Badger thought , “This is the life.”
From the back of the plane, everyone could hear Hero Boy yell, “AAARRRGGGUUUHHH !” as the family with the small child took their seats beside him.
Brady The Book Sailor 