Tom and Harry 4: Little Red Riding Hood

This story was inspired by the Hoodwinked Movies. Help a Book Sailor out: if you know where I can watch Hoodwinked 3: The Fellowship of the Hood, please let me know in the comments!

When we last left Tom and Harry, Harry won a battle on the flying Roombas with Isaac Bonjour. As he was falling in the water, Isaac yelled, “you have not seen the last of mmmmeeeeeeee!” After he was in the water, Isaac yelled, “I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White star Line about all of this.” Harry said, “Oh no, not again. I hated that movie, too much kissy, kissy.”

And Tom, Harry and Ronald went back to Critterville, and lived happily ever after. At least they thought so!

Isaac Bonjour had caught the attention of a passing cruise ship by yelling, “Please help me, I am just a little squirrel floating in the ocean, with no water.” The girl who was standing at the railing was reading a newspaper that had an ad; it read, “Wanted Isaac Bonjour -$2,000 reward” and the picture looked exactly like the little squirrel she saw floating in the water! She shrugged! She thought, “Maybe it is just a coincidence, I’ll have the ship stop and pick him up.”

Isaac said to the girl who was wearing a red hoodie and red jeans and was holding a basket, “Thank you. You never told me your name.” The girl replies, “My name is………But Isaac interrupts her and says, “Ok, Little Red Riding Hood”, making up a name. The girl says, “That is not my actual…………” But Isaac interrupts her again and says, “Do you ever get money for running errands?”  “Yes I do, on special occasions,” replied the girl, “And sometimes my Granny gives me money to take muffins and other sweets to her.” Isaac said, “Well, what if you could make that money without doing any work?”  She said, “I would like to learn how to do that.”

Isaac says, “I would like to win the Crittersville Cup, which would give me $10 Million.

Which I could turn into Euros and be the richest squirrel in France. But I need money to fix my Roomba and enter the contest. Do you see that island, the Crittersville Bank is there? That is where I will get money, but I need you to help me get the money from the bank.” So, the girl and Isaac take a lifeboat to the island.

Meanwhile, Tom and Harry are headed for the airport to pick up their friend Wolfy. Their friend said, “Hey boys, that flight from the woody woods took a very long time, because of turbulence. So, how have you guys been?” Harry said, “Good” and Tom said “Alright. How are you?” Wolfy said, “OK, but I heard about something you will want to know. I saw that little brat in the red hoodie. She was selling her granny’s cookies to people, but when I asked for one, she sprayed me with wolf repellant! When I landed, I saw her and Isaac Bonjour leaving the Crittersville Bank with bags of cash, and they were riding on a Roomba. Isaac had a certificate as an entry for the grand Critterville race.” Tom said, “I have seen Isaac cheat in races before.” Harry says, “That guy defines evil!”

Wolfy, Tom and Harry set off to register for the big race. The rules were that all roombas must be set at the speed of forty miles per hour, or must have a seat belt if go they go faster. No roombas can use their jets or they will be fined $10 million, also, no eating on the Roomba during the race because that can cause motion sickness and be messy. Isaac Bonjour walks up behind them and says, “Bon jour, are you guys here for the race?” Wolfy said, “I’m going to call 911, because you’re a known criminal.” Isaac said, “Gotta go! Bye!” And then Little Red came behind him and sprayed Wolfy with Wolf Repellant. Wolfy said, “Hey, come back here” to Little Red Riding Hood and got out his Roomba, Lady Roomba, and rode it to where Little Red was. Little Red escaped, but accidentally dropped the goodie basket. Wolfy picked it up and said, “Finally! I got my hands on one of these stupid goodies!

“Oh, this tastes like the convenience store goodies! There’s a convenience store in Woody Woods, and these taste just like those. Little Red is a faker!” So Wolfy called Little Red’s Grandma and told her about what Little Red had done. So the grandma got a Roomba and decided to race against Little Red to make her pay for her crimes. Wolfy said to the Grandma once she arrived, “Yeah, sorry about pretending to be you and stuff. That didn’t go exactly the way we staged it.” “That’s OK, slugger,” said the Grandma. “So now, let’s race Little Red.”

“And Isaac Bonjour,” Harry added.

Tom said, “Are you ready, Harry?” “Born ready!” said Harry. Wolfy said, “Let’s throw Little Red and Isaac into prison and get that $10 million!”

They walked out on the stadium. Ronald had had a seat belt attached. Rigged Roomba was completely fixed and was as dangerous as ever. Rigged Roomba said, “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.”

“Come on, man,” said Harry. “You had to Rickroll us?” “Sorry,” said Isaac. “It’s just one of the settings.”

Wolfy said, “Not cool, dude.” But right then, the race official fired his gun. And Little Red was on a sugar high, so she drove the Roomba. And Isaac was in back, handing her Kool-Aids, and once she chugged them, she threw the cups into the way of Tom, Harry, Wolfy, and the Grandma.

Our heroes dodged all of the litter that Little Red threw at them. And then Isaac started giving Little Red candy and doughnuts.  And once the finish was near, Little Red wasn’t looking so good, so Isaac went 41 miles per hour, and used his jets to get them over the finish line. Little Red and Isaac went flying, and Isaac was fined $10 million dollars for not wearing their seat belts while on the Roomba and for eating while driving and for using their Roomba’s jets. And what happened to Little Red, we humble authors cannot tell you exactly, because…well, it’s too messy.

The cheaters obviously didn’t win, so the trophy and the $10 million went to our heroes.

THE END.

Tom and Harry 3: When Turtles Fly

Once upon a time, (Editor #253 to editor #549, “Why do you always have these corny beginnings? I am getting fed up with this!”)

It is a dark and stormy night in Tortoise Town, when Isaac Bonjour, the annoying French squirrel, was starting his evilest plan yet. He knocked on Harry’s door and said, “Harry, I have carrots.” Harry said, “Oh boy, I’m coming with you!” Isaac lured Harry to his evil airplane and locked him inside! Harry said, “Where are the carrots?” And Isaac said, “There are no carrots! Gotcha!” Harry screamed, “NNNOOOOOOOOO!”, as Isaac started up the engine.

One day later, in their duplex mansion, we see Tom searching all over the mansion for Harry. Tom shouted, “Harry, Harry”, then he had a thought. Could Ronald Roomba have sucked him up? Tom ran to Ronald, who was on the website “Armbook” and asked, “Ronald, have you seen Harry? You didn’t suck him up, did you?” Roomba replied, “I have not seen him, I have just been looking at the offensive memes about Roombas.” (see picture below)

Tom said, “Then there is only one reasonable culprit, it must have been Isaac Bonjour. Let’s go to France.” So, they began to load up their golden boat, but Tom said, “We should only pack essentials, Ronald, leave the shark aquarium!” So, off they went to France to find Isaac and hopefully Harry. They called their plan “Operation Cottontail” but they did not know that they were in for a major surprise………….suspense…………..

About twenty miles into the journey, the boat started rocking. There was a whale under them. Tom said, “Mr. Whale, are you aware that you have my golden boat on your nose?” The whale said, “I am not a whale, I am an Orca, and yes, I am aware of that, because suddenly I can’t smell anything.” Tom said, “Put us down, and Ronald and I will be thankful.” Ronald said, “Not me, I am not programmed for thankfulness.” The Orca threw them in the air and they landed in the water and started sinking…….suspense………

Ronald said, “Oh wow, another story about a sinking boat, at least there was not a big iceberg this time.” Tom said, “This is not the Titanic, please don’t say, I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this.” As they sank into the water, Ronald said, “I will say that if I want to.” Tom said, “NNOOO, Ronald NNOOOO!” Then Ronald flew out of the water and said, “I am fine, I am waterproof and I have jet boosters” Tom said, “You can fly?” Ronald said, “Didn’t you read the instruction manual?” Tom said, “I threw it out as soon as I unboxed you.”

Back in France, Harry was moaning, “Carrots….Carrots….” Isaac said, “I have no carrots.” Harry whined, “But, I haven’t had one for eight hours.” Isaac said, “I only have carrots when the French harvest occurs every six months when I can also get croissants from the croissant trees.” Harry moaned, “Those do not exist.” Isaac said, “They do in these fairy tales” Harry said, “look over there, it’s Tom flying on the back of Ronald Roomba!” Isaac said, “Where?” Then Harry ran out of Isaac’s fortress.

Tom and Ronald flew down to catch Harry. “Did you guys bring my shark aquarium,” said Harry, “I need to feed Quick, Quicker and Quickest.” Ronald gave the “I told you so” look to Tom. “Not so fast” yelled Isaac, who was flying on his own rigged Roomba and said, “You guys are going down!” Ronald said, “Oh man, I thought we were at a resolution in this story.” Isaac said, “No, I still have to defeat you guys.”

As the two Roombas got close, Harry was able to lean over to the Rigged Roomba and took out the battery. All of a sudden, Rigged Roomba powered down and fell into the Atlantic Ocean, near the coast of France. As he was falling, Isaac yelled, “you have not seen the last of mmmmeeeeeeee!” After he was in the water, Isaac yelled, “I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this.” Harry said, “Oh no, not again. I hated that movie, too much kissy, kissy.”

And they all went back to Critterville, and lived happily ever after. At least they thought so!

The End

Tune in next time for Tom and Harry 4, The ballad of Insane Bolt.

Tom and Harry 2

Once upon a time…….(wait, that is a terrible beginning, who thought that up? Ooops, I did. Start again.)

It was a dark and stormy night, as Isaac Bonjour was being escorted to prison. He thought, “I know someone who wasn’t banned from Critter Country. Rigged Roomba!” Then, he jumped out of the police car while it was moving. Again! He then went to buy a new Rigged Roomba.

One day, Tom and Harry were buying fresh produce, and they saw an evil looking Roomba with a projector and a microphone on it. Harry said, “That Roomba looks familiar to me.” Tom said, “It looks to me like it does more than clean your floors.” They switched on the projector and the microphone and saw Isaac Bonjour going live. He said, “Hello, Tom and Harry. It is time I got my revenge by…………suspense…….

“Pranks!”

Tom said sarcastically, Oh, no, the worst kind of revenge.” Isaac Bonjour said, “That is what I like to hear.” Not realizing that Tom was just being sarcastic.

So, Tom and Harry went home and found that Ronald Roomba was stuck in a hole in their floor. “Now that is a nasty prank,” said Harry. Ronald Roomba was a good Roomba, and that is the reason that Tom can go so fast when other turtles are so slow. They got Ronald out of the hole and decided to play a prank right back to Isaac Bonjour. They gave Rigged Roomba a swimming pool and when he got in, he got a real shock, both figuratively and literally! Isaac was so mad, because he had to spend another $500 to get a new Rigged Roomba. “I’ll get even with you, Tom and Harry,” thought Isaac. But how? ……………..suspense…………….

“More pranks!” Isaac decided to abduct Ronald Roomba and take him to Italy. What he did not know was that Tom and Harry had swapped Ronald Roomba for Rigged Roomba. After Isaac got to Italy, he realized what they had done and had to ship Rigged Roomba back across the Sprite River to Critter Country. And that cost him another $500. Tom and Harry had cost him $1,000 already. He needed a super prank to get even. “But What?”

………….suspense……….

In the meantime, Tom and Harry were thinking of a new super prank to play on Isaac. They rigged the computer at the electric company to send Isaac a bill for 9,000 Kazillion dollars and made the address where he was supposed to pay the bill as 2132 North 11th Way, which was really the address of Tom and Harry’s duplex mansion. When Isaac saw the bill, he was extremely UPSET! When he got to Tom and Harry’s mansion, they said, “Gotcha!’ and laughed and laughed. Now Isaac was even more upset and thought, “I’ll get you guys with a new prank……….suspense……thought up by Prank Robot 4000, which gives me infinite pranks to use on you two.”

The new Prank Robot 4000 whirred and clanged and spit out a tiny piece of paper. It read, “Buy them an ice cream cone, but make it out of broccoli that you paint brown to look like chocolate.” Isaac said, “No, that is a lame prank. Try again.” The machine whirred and cranked and spit out another tiny piece of paper. When Isaac read the new prank, he smiled a big, evil, ugly smile. “This is a great prank,” thought Isaac……….suspense………

They had cost him $1,000 and had him think that his electric bill was 9,000 Kajillion dollars, but this was the perfect prank to get back at Tom and Harry. He would bake them a cake as a peace offering with brown sprinkles all over it, but the sprinkles would really be ants. He knew they liked cake so much that they would quickly gobble it down before they realized they were eating bugs.

He took the cake to their house and gave it to them. Tom said, “Thank you so much. would you like to share it, and here, you can have the first slice?”

“AAARRRGGGGHHHHH,” yelled Isaac.

And then Power Monkey showed up from the crossover dimension portal and said, “You whine a lot and make the same noise as my evil sister, Nartha. Do you know her? By the way, that cake looks really good.”

Harry said, “Isaac, if the main character from the second-best Brady M. series said the cake looks good, then it must be good.”

Isaac said, “Oh, no, foiled again by a rabbit and a turtle.”

The End.

Tune in next time for Tom and Harry 3, When Turtles Fly! (There are no pigs in this story, so…….)

Tom and Harry

Once upon a time…(REALLY! – this is how all corny fairy tales start. OK, let’s start over)…

It was a dark and stormy night (NOT AGAIN…relax, dude, this start is cool)…when Isaac Bonjur, the sour and mean squirrel was finally arrested by the French police. He was accused of grand theft auto, littering, and toilet papering his neighbors’ houses, but that was a big mistake, because the houses are now worth $25 million (remember this was written during covid-19 – pun intended, but I digress). But when the police car got to the station, Isaac rolled down the window and jumped out, and he ran away into Critterville, a very nice country.

He specifically went to the newly established state called Tortoise Town. An interesting fact about Tortoise Town is how it got its name. When Tom Tortoise won the famous race with Harry Hare two days ago, they named the town after Tom. It was a big honor. Harry was OK with it, because he had already won so many races that he had a million trophies, and he got lazy on that last race. Isaac listened to the Town’s very short history, and decided to find Tom’s and Harry’s houses.

Tom’s was easy to spot, because it was made of pure gold, and it had a fountain with a tiny little turtle on top. Isaac knocked on the door and a Roomba opened the door. The Roomba said, in a robotic voice, “Hello. My. Name. Is. Ronald…You. May. Come. In.” When Isaac stepped in, Tom said, “Aaaaahhh!” A cute little squirrel. I want to keep him as a pet.” Isaac said, “NNNNNNOOOOO!!!” ….. Suspense …..

“You are not keeping me captive. I have already escaped jail three times. But I have a deal for you. I heard that you just won a race against a hare. If you, your Roomba, and your so-called friend the hare can beat me and my new Roomba, I will stay here as your pet. But if I win, you have to move out and Tortoise Town will be called Squirrel City, and to me, that sounds better.” And Tom accepted the challenge. But first, Tom went to talk to Harry at his house, which was shaped like a carrot (obviously).

Tom said, “Harry, we need to beat this evil squirrel, but I don’t even want him as a pet anymore.” Harry then said, “Let’s you and me and Ronald go into my exercise room and work out. There is a treadmill for Ronald and weights for me, and Tom doesn’t have to do anything because he will just ride around on Ronald.” “Affirmative,” said Ronald. “Suits me,” said Tom.

Tom said, “Ronald doesn’t need to work out, I can just set him to super-fast mode.” Harry said, “OK…wait a minute, that means I am the only one who has to work out. NNNOOOOO! Not going to happen.” Tom said, “OK, you don’t have to work out either, because you are already one of the fastest critters in the world, but when you are lazy, not so much!” Harry said, “I now eat carrots and cream, which keeps me energized (like the bunny on TV), so I won’t get lazy again.”

So the big race was set! There was an audience who kept saying, “Go team Tom.” Harry said, “Why did you have to choose that name, Team Harry sounds so much nicer.” And then Harry blurted out to the crowd, “We are changing the name to Team Harry.” Tom then said, “Let’s call our team Tom AND Harry.” So the crowd began to cheer, “Go Tom and Harry!!” Then Isaac showed up with his new Roomba, and it looked evil. It had a cannon that could shoot not only cannon balls, but also candy, which Isaac shot at the audience, so they would root for him. The audience immediately said, “Go Isaac and Rigged Roomba.”

The starter said, “Ready, set…” but before he could say, “Go,” Isaac took off early. So Team Isaac on Rigged Roomba took the lead. Tom and Harry zoomed off, and they soon caught up to Isaac. But that was a bad thing, because Rigged Roomba fired his cannon at them, and knocked Harry down and Tom off Ronald. Rigged Roomba was heard to yell in a deep robotic voice, “Vengeance!”

Isaac has already cheated twice (I told you he was evil)! Tom and Harry quickly got up and took off after Isaac and his Roomba, and they soon caught up again. Harry knocked Isaac off his Rigged Roomba, and it crashed into a wall and shattered. Tom and Harry coasted across the finish line and won. Tom said that he no longer wanted Isaac as a pet, because he was a troublemaker, and, instead, Tom then fined Isaac three million dollars, one million each for Tom, Harry, and Ronald Roomba.

The end.

(Not really, tune in next time for Tom and Harry, Revenge of the Rigged Roomba.)