In the third episode of our podcast (check out all the episodes of PodSailing here), we mentioned that Tom Angleberger’s short story, “Whills” – from “Star Wars: A Certain Point of View” – had inspired us to write our own version. Enjoy our “Mandalorian Whills” below – which we wrote after the conclusion of Season 1. If you haven’t already watched Season 1 of the Mandalorian:
There are Season 1 Spoilers below.
Oh, and check out the new “Empire Strikes Back: A Certain Point of View”, which is awesome!
Brady Whill: The Empire has fallen. But the fledgling New Republic still struggles to restore order in the planets of the Outer Rim.
Auntie Whill: WOOHOOOO! We’re going to get to see Luke and Leia and Han and Chewie and R2-D2 and C-3PO! This is going to be awesome!!!!!!!!
BW: I’m sorry, but this story is about Mando, a Mandalorian. But you miiiiiiight see a character who reminds you of someone in the originals at the end of Chapter 1.
AW: Oooh! Wedge? An Ewok? Lando?
BW: I hate to break it to you, but this character was also in the prequels too.
AW: If it’s Jar-Jar Binks, I’m going to give up watching TV and spend my extra free time working as a bartender in the Mos Eisley cantina.
BW: They don’t hire humans anymore.
AW: WHAT??? That’s just crazy talk!
BW: Head there yourself.
AW: OK, Fine. Finish your little story. But I’m not going to like it.
BW: Crime syndicates abound, along with remnants of Imperial forces. On a lawless planet, Greef Carga runs The Guild, a coalition of Bounty Hunters.
AW: Greef Carga? Does he know SpongeBob Squarepants?
BW: Ugh. You are in a complete different world than me.
AW: Thanks, Captain Obvious.
BW: A lone Bounty Hunter, known in name only by his association with The Mandalorians returns to The Guild with a ship full of captured fugitives and in search of a new bounty…
AW: Oh, you mean Din Djarin?
BW: Ugh, you just spoiled all of Episode 8. Speaking of that, how did you know? I thought you didn’t watch The Mandalorian Episodes.
AW: Well, I didn’t think I wasn’t going to like it, but then HOLY COW, BABY YODA IS SOOOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BW: I’m going to have to write you up for two spoiler violations. If you get a third, you get demoted to Whill bathroom cleaner.
AW: OK, fine, I’m just gonna go read up on the history of the Dark Saber, for no particular reason and which has totally nothing at all to do with The Mandalorian.
BW: Third spoiler! You know what that means!
AW: Awwwwwwww, man. Intern Whill had beans for dinner…
Once upon a time, (Editor #253 to editor #549, “Why do you always have these corny beginnings? I am getting fed up with this!”)
It is a dark and stormy night in Tortoise Town, when Isaac Bonjour, the annoying French squirrel, was starting his evilest plan yet. He knocked on Harry’s door and said, “Harry, I have carrots.” Harry said, “Oh boy, I’m coming with you!” Isaac lured Harry to his evil airplane and locked him inside! Harry said, “Where are the carrots?” And Isaac said, “There are no carrots! Gotcha!” Harry screamed, “NNNOOOOOOOOO!”, as Isaac started up the engine.
One day later, in their duplex mansion, we see Tom searching all over the mansion for Harry. Tom shouted, “Harry, Harry”, then he had a thought. Could Ronald Roomba have sucked him up? Tom ran to Ronald, who was on the website “Armbook” and asked, “Ronald, have you seen Harry? You didn’t suck him up, did you?” Roomba replied, “I have not seen him, I have just been looking at the offensive memes about Roombas.” (see picture below)
Tom said, “Then there is only one reasonable culprit, it must have been Isaac Bonjour. Let’s go to France.” So, they began to load up their golden boat, but Tom said, “We should only pack essentials, Ronald, leave the shark aquarium!” So, off they went to France to find Isaac and hopefully Harry. They called their plan “Operation Cottontail” but they did not know that they were in for a major surprise………….suspense…………..
About twenty miles into the journey, the boat started rocking. There was a whale under them. Tom said, “Mr. Whale, are you aware that you have my golden boat on your nose?” The whale said, “I am not a whale, I am an Orca, and yes, I am aware of that, because suddenly I can’t smell anything.” Tom said, “Put us down, and Ronald and I will be thankful.” Ronald said, “Not me, I am not programmed for thankfulness.” The Orca threw them in the air and they landed in the water and started sinking…….suspense………
Ronald said, “Oh wow, another story about a sinking boat, at least there was not a big iceberg this time.” Tom said, “This is not the Titanic, please don’t say, I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this.” As they sank into the water, Ronald said, “I will say that if I want to.” Tom said, “NNOOO, Ronald NNOOOO!” Then Ronald flew out of the water and said, “I am fine, I am waterproof and I have jet boosters” Tom said, “You can fly?” Ronald said, “Didn’t you read the instruction manual?” Tom said, “I threw it out as soon as I unboxed you.”
Back in France, Harry was moaning, “Carrots….Carrots….” Isaac said, “I have no carrots.” Harry whined, “But, I haven’t had one for eight hours.” Isaac said, “I only have carrots when the French harvest occurs every six months when I can also get croissants from the croissant trees.” Harry moaned, “Those do not exist.” Isaac said, “They do in these fairy tales” Harry said, “look over there, it’s Tom flying on the back of Ronald Roomba!” Isaac said, “Where?” Then Harry ran out of Isaac’s fortress.
Tom and Ronald flew down to catch Harry. “Did you guys bring my shark aquarium,” said Harry, “I need to feed Quick, Quicker and Quickest.” Ronald gave the “I told you so” look to Tom. “Not so fast” yelled Isaac, who was flying on his own rigged Roomba and said, “You guys are going down!” Ronald said, “Oh man, I thought we were at a resolution in this story.” Isaac said, “No, I still have to defeat you guys.”
As the two Roombas got close, Harry was able to lean over to the Rigged Roomba and took out the battery. All of a sudden, Rigged Roomba powered down and fell into the Atlantic Ocean, near the coast of France. As he was falling, Isaac yelled, “you have not seen the last of mmmmeeeeeeee!” After he was in the water, Isaac yelled, “I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this.” Harry said, “Oh no, not again. I hated that movie, too much kissy, kissy.”
And they all went back to Critterville, and lived happily ever after. At least they thought so!
Tune in next time for Tom and Harry 4, The ballad of Insane Bolt.
He is the Bearer of the Zipper. He is the Crusader of the Coats. No tank top is safe. It’s Hoodie Man! But every hero has to have a nemesis, and his is Winter Gear Girl, who betrayed him and made his other enemy, Stinky Tank top, more powerful.
They framed Hoodie Man for it and he and his friends, Sweater Man and Jill Monsoon were sent to jail. But they escaped and they teamed up with Windbreaker to get information about taking away Stinky Tank Top’s new powers. They found a scientist at Economics Land who filled them in about how stinky Tank top became so powerful. Let’s just say the detergent didn’t work. As we left Hoodie Man 4, we knew how Winter Gear Girl teamed up against Hoodie Man, and wanted to rule the city together.
On with our story.
Our story begins at Economics Land, where Hoodie Man says, “Wow, that is a good story, bravo.” Masked Fleecer said, “I liked the story, but aren’t you going to study? Isn’t that what scientists do?” The scientist said, “What a brilliant idea. Let me take you to my secret lair.” He took them to the library. Wind Breaker said, “What are we supposed to be doing here?” The scientist said, “Absolutely nothing. You can go over to the golden books’ kiddie section, and learn if that little train ever made it to the top of the mountain. In the mean time I will study up on genetic mutations.”
So Hoodie Man and his friends went over to the Kiddie section but found a book on genetic mutations. “Kids are so smart these days”, said Windbreaker. Mean while the scientist was looking through the adult genetic mutation section but said, “These books are mostly useless, but wait, what is this one over here?” He pulled out a book titled, “How to air fry a chicken in your washing machine.” Another useless book. But before he put it back, he flipped to the back of the book and it said, “Preview for our next book, Genetic Mutations and how to cure them.” But where was that book? ……..suspense………..
“Hey, Mr. Scientist” said Sweater Guy, “Look what we found in the Kiddie section.” The scientist said, “Those new librarians are so bad, it’s probably hard to move here from their wrestling career. But, we now have the right book.” They read the book and there was a chapter titled, ………suspense…….
“Removing odors from Tank Top Monsters.”
“Ah, ha, either this has happened before or the writer is good at preparation,” said the scientist. The book said, “Go to the jungle, and you will find a large temple – and inside are magical stone carvings called the Elderphants. If you tell them who you are and ask them how to solve your problem, they may give you an answer. They use special elderberry juice which is capable of solving every problem. It is a cure for everything, including stinky tank top monsters. If the stones give you their Elderberry juice, you should sprinkle it on Stinky Tank Top; however, it has not been tested yet, so try it and see.” Hoodie Man and the team drove his car the jungle, followed the instructions, and received a jar of Elderberry juice from the Elderphants. Before he left he thanked them and gave them his business card. When Hoodie Man returned to his car, his keys were missing. “Oh, no, who would take my car keys. And look, they also took my copy of “The Little Engine that Could” which I have to take back to the library.“ ………….suspense………
Then he saw a little monkey holding his keys and his book. Fortunately, Sweater guy had a banana in his lunch bag and tried to use it to get the keys and book back but the Monkey was too fast and took the banana and kept the keys and book. Hoodie Man said, “Ok, lets see if the juice can fix anything.” And sprinkled some on the monkey. Suddenly, the Grim Reaper appeared to the monkey (but not to anyone else) and said, “Monkey do you want to go to the good place or the bad place. Right now I am thinking Bad Place!” The monkey looked very scared and dropped the keys and the book and took off in a flash before the Grim Reaper could catch him. Hoodie Man said, “That monkey sure had a change of heart so I guess the juice works. Let’s go find Stinky Tank Top. Wait a minute, where is my GPS? That monkey!!! Well, I guess we will have to go back to the Elderphants to ask directions to get out of here and find Stinky.” So they went back to the Elderphants who said, “We can help you get to Stinky Tank Top, go into the next room and you will see a portal called, The Nemesis Portal, and step inside.” WWWWOOOOOSSSSSHHHHH!!! ……..suspense……..
They appeared right next to a gigantic castle. They walked toward the gates and opened them. Hoodie Man walked in and shouted, “Where are you, Stinky? I’ll bet you thought I was a goner when I went into that sewer. Wrong. Here I am stronger than ever. So, it is time for our final battle.” Stinky walked down a staircase and said, “Well, well, if it isn’t my arch nemesis, little tiny Hoodie Man.”
Hoodie Man said, “Insults can’t defeat me, but me and my friends can defeat you.”
Stinky Tank Top said, “Want to bet on that?” Hoodie man said, “Are we playing games now? Why don’t you come a little closer if you are so sure?” Stinky Tank Top ran at Hoodie Man and tried to hit him with his large fist, but he slipped and missed him. Hoodie Man laughed and said, “So it has come to this.” Hoodie Man decided on a final insult, he would give Stinky a wet willie. Hoodie man licked his finger and climbed up Stinky’s sweaty body and stuck his finger in Stinky’s big ear. Hoodie Man took out the elderberry juice and poured the whole jar on Stinky Tank Top’s head. But it splashed off Stinky’s sweaty head and on to Hoody Man. ……….suspense……….
“Well, this is NOT what I wanted to have happen,” said Hoodie Man. At that moment, the Grim Reaper appeared to Hoodie Man and said, “Well, someone has been a really bad boy. That is why you are getting sent down! Really, down!” Of course, Hoodie Man thought of the Devil’s place, but it was not that bad. He woke up finding himself with a pick axe in front of a mine opening with a sign that read, “All dirt miners enter here.” Hoodie Man thought, “This is not good at all!”
Will Hoodie Man escape from the dirt mine? Will he find a valuable ore or just a hunk of dirt….or…..? What happened to his friends?
Tune in next time for Hoodie Man 6 – Working in the Dirt Mine.
He is the Bearer of the Zipper. He is the Crusader of the Coats. No tank top is safe. It’s Hoodie Man! But every hero has to have a nemesis, and his is Winter Gear Girl who betrayed him and made his other enemy, Stinky Tank top, more powerful.
And framed Hoodie Man for it. He and his friends, Sweater Man and Jill Monsoon were sent to jail. But they escaped by winning a battle with Stinky Tank Top. After they escaped, they teamed up with Windbreaker to find a secret government science lab to get information about taking away Stinky Tank Top’s new powers. Their first effort, in Hoodie Man 3, failed. Now what?
On with our story.
When Stinky Tank Top kept his powers, Windbreaker said, “Well, this is a disappointment. A voice from behind said “It’s not a disappointment it’s one of our finest works of art.” Hoodie Man said “Who are you?” A small man walked to Hoodie Man and said “Hey, I am Exypnos. And this fine work here is project Tank Top. There are just a few kinks I need to take out.” Hoodie Man said, “A few Kinks!” As he opened up the door to reveal Hoodie Monster. Exypnos said, “I did not make that.” Hoodie man said, “I was just experimenting with your washing machine.
What is the purpose of it?” Exypnos said, “Well it all started when the Mayor did not want to lose his Tank tops.” But then a voice interrupted and said, “Did you enjoy your Honey Stingers, Hoodie Man?” The Windbreaker turned around and said, “Scarfskin, what are you doing here?” Scarfskin said, “I do not want you; I want Hoodie Man and that is because Scarfskin never really existed.” As he tore off the scarf and tossed his leather jacket to the ground, he said, “I am not even a guy, my name is Winter Gear Girl. Hoodie Man said, “Winter Gear Girl, what are you doing here?” She said, “Simple enough, I was spying on you when I was disguised as Scarfskin. I know all about your plans to take away Stinky Tank Top’s powers!” Then Hoodie Man ran to the other side of the Lab to the washing machine and ripped open the door. He said, “Hoodie Monster, Attack!” The Hoodie Monster ran out of the washing machine and attacked and tackled Winter Gear Girl…………suspense……..
The team ran into a different room in the lab and saw a new invention on a table. There were several jet packs, one for each of them. Hoodie Man said, “Quick, everyone grab one of these.” They strapped the jet packs on their backs, except for Exypnos. He said, “Those Jet Packs are unsafe. I will do it the nanny way” and he pulled out an umbrella. They all ran out of the lab and they took off flying. Windbreaker said, “This is more fun that sitting in first class on my plane, RIP, Rest in Pieces plane. (Author note, his plane went up in flames in the last book). They noticed Exypnos slowly floating with his umbrella. Masked Fleecer said, “Hurry up Einstein.” Exypnos said, “My name is not Einstein.” Sweater Guy said, “Whatever Einstein, just go faster.”
As Exypnos cranked up the speed on his umbrella he yelled, “My name is not Einstein, it is Exypnos!” Hoodie said, “At least you are going faster, Einstein.” “AAARRGGGUUUHHH” said Einstein. (Even the author is calling him Einstein). Exypnos said, “I am going to quit helping you then and I will fly off to a country where they do not make fun of my name.” So, he flew to Arizona, which he thought was a foreign country. Hoodie Man said, “Well it looks like we lost our scientist who could help us learn about Stinky Tank Top. We need to find someone really smart, really fast.” Jill Monsoon said, “What about Melon Tusk?” Windbreaker said, “Wasn’t he arrested for being a crazy person after his idea for arm wallet chips. Those are WWWEEEIIIRRRDDD!” Masked Fleecer rolled up his sleeve and said, “It’s not weird. Look I just bought something off of the on-line monkey shop with mine.” Hoodie Man said, “I don’t think Mr. Tusk can help us. But I know who can. I saw another scientist run out of the building when we were escaping. He said he was off to Economics Land, (the most boring theme park of all time), to see a light show about supply and demand, or something.”
So, our heroes flew off to Economics Land. Once they arrived, they had to answer an economics question to get in. Their question was, “Brady has enough money for a movie ticket and one popcorn. There were 2 movies showing and two sizes of popcorn One movie was $ 4.00 and the other was $6.00 and the small popcorn was $20.00 and the large was $60.00. Brady only had $44.00. What could he do if he spent all of his money? Hoodie Man quickly answered that he could get a small popcorn and see the $6.00 movie. The attendant said, “WRONG”, that is so wrong that you not only can’t get in, you have to go into the supply and demand dungeon and learn some math. So, they were put in the dungeon, and guess who was also in there……….suspense……..
There was the scientist and Zelon Tusk. Mr. Tusk said, “Stupid question. I did not want to spend all of my money on a movie and popcorn. The Scientist said, “I always hated Math.” Windbreaker said, “I know the answer and I can get us out of here. Hey guard the answer is, 2 small popcorns and the $4.00 movie.” The guard said, “You are right, go have fun in Economics Land. They took the scientist with them but Zelon Tusk was so annoying that they left him in the dungeon. Windbreaker asked the scientist to tell them all about project Tank Top. The scientist said, “What, I don’t know about Project Tank Top. What do you mean?” Hoodie Man said, “You sound guilty. Tell us what you know or back in the dungeon you go. Hey, I made a rhyme.” The scientist said, “Alright, you can know what project tank top is.” ………….suspense……….
“It all started when the Mayor did not want to have to send his dirty his tank tops out to be cleaned because he was pretty sure the dry cleaners would steal or damage his precious tank tops. So, he came to us, the secret government scientists. We came up with a faster washing machine he could keep in his house and a better detergent that would the tops would cling to him. We invited a scientist from another country to look at our invention, his name was Stinky. We said we were going to clean this smelly and stained tank top. They put it in the new washing machine and started it. But Stinky reminded us that we had forgotten the detergent and that we had not closed the lid. The lid was stuck. Stinky climbed to the top of the Washing machine with some detergent and when he yanked on the lid he fell in, the lid closed and he and the tank top spun and spun until he and the tank top were one. We tried to learn about this new mutation but there was no information about it. When Stinky emerged from the machine, he was very large and very powerful. And he was still stinking. Thus, his new name, Stinky Tank Top.”
As we were evacuating, we saw Winter Gear girl approach the giant monster and say, “I can help you in your rise to power. But you need to do me a favor. Help me defeat Hoodie Man, and we can rule the city together.”
Will Stinky Tank Top and winter Gear Girl rule the city? Will Hoodie Man find a cure to take away Stinky Tank Top’s powers?
He is the Bearer of the Zipper. He is the Crusader of the Coats. No tank top is safe. It’s Hoodie Man! But every hero has to have a nemesis, and his is Winter Gear Girl, who betrayed him and made his other enemy, Stinky Tank top, more powerful, and framed Hoodie Man for it. He and his friends, Sweater Man and Jill Monsoon were sent to jail. The Masked Fleecer helped Hoodie Man and his friends escape. They went to take away Stinky Tank Top’s new powers. Masked Fleecer grabbed a bucket of clean water and good detergent and threw it on Stinky Tank Top. “Oh no! My mold is falling off, and I don’t stink anymore.” Stinky Tank top went home and got some hot glue and glued all of the old mold back on. “Aahh, that feels better,” said Stinky Tank Top. But when he tried to glue mold on Winter Gear Girl, she screamed and ran away!
Now on with our story.
Hoodie Man ran out of prison, called the Rainbow Institute, and said, “Wow. That feels good.” Masked Fleecer said, “What did you do with the Jailhouse Hoodie?” Hoodie Man said, “Didn’t you notice, I took off my regular hoodie and put on the Jailhouse hoodie. Sweater Guy and Jill Monsoon ran out of the prison. When they saw Hoodie Man with the different hoodie, Sweater Guy said, “Please change out of that hoodie, you look like a cartoon drawn in 2020, that strange year!” Hoodie Man said, “OK, I’ll change” as he ducked behind a big rock.
Right after he changed, the four friends heard a big THUD, then another THUD, then another THUD. They looked up and saw Stinky Tank Top stomping toward them, who said, “You may have dunked me in detergent to get rid of my mold, but life is always good when you have a handy glue gun around.” Stinky said, “Now I will get my revenge!” Jill Monsoon asked, “When did someone splash detergent all over you?” Stinky said, “Well, it is kind of a long story.” Hoodie Man said, ”Now is the perfect time to escape because Stinky is distracted.” And they went into a sewer.
Hoodie Man said, “I know this place is gross, but I know exactly where we need to go.” He found a door with a worn out sign that read, “Hornet Hive” and Hoodie Man knocked and said, “I would like to speak with the Windbreaker.”
A voice coming from behind the door said, “OK, come on in.” Hoodie Man walked inside and went up to a bar with rusty stools and said, “This is the bar called the Pollenator.” Masked Fleecer said, “I see where they are going with the whole bee theme.” Hoodie Man said to the bartender, “Where is the Windbreaker?” Then a voice from behind Hoodie Man said, “I am right here!” Hoodie Man turned around and saw……………suspense……..
He saw a dark figure in a shiny black coat with a pullover top with three horns on his head. The figure said, “I am the Tempest King, I am the Caller of the Wind, and they call me, Windbreaker!” Hoodie Man asked the Windbreaker, “How can we stop Stinky Tank Top from doing his evil plans?” Windbreaker said, “Spin around three times, while holding your nose with one hand and sticking your finger in your ear with the other hand.” “OK”, said Hoodie Man, but are you sure this will work?” Windbreaker said, “No, I was just Kidding! But I do have tabs on a government science lab that may have the answer and you should check there.” Hoodie Man said, “How do we get there?” Windbreaker pointed to himself and said, “Me.”
Windbreaker looked at the bartender and said, “Scarfskin, can you get us five honey stingers for the road, non-alcoholic please.” Jill Monsoon put a roll of cash on the bar and said, “I like your leather jacker, Scarfskin, and I’ll pay.” Scarfskin put five reddish, orangish, goldish, drinks on the bar. Windbreaker said, “Scarfskin, you did a really good job for your first day working here.” The four friends thought the drinks would be sweet because of the name. But they did not know two things. First, Scarfskin put really red hot ghost peppers in the stingers instead of honey , and that Scarfskin was really………..suspense………
Winter Gear Girl in disguise. (Authors note: This could get interesting)
Windbreaker said, “There is a path through this tunnel in the sewer that can lead us to the airport where my plane is and it will be a quick flight to the government labs.” They all got on to the plane, and all started drinking their stingers. Hoodie Man covered his mouth and said, “So Hot, So Hot!” Masked Fleecer yelled, “AAAIIIEEE. Are Fleeces flammable?” Sweater Guy said, ”Stomach. On. Fire.” As he passed out on the floor. Jill Monsoon, said, “This stinger is great. Thank you, Scarfskin. But then the peppers hit and she said, “Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. I’ll get you for that Scarfskin.” Windbreaker took a big drink of his stinger, and spit it out all over the controls of the plane. The heat caused the direction monitor to blank out and just show an exclamation mark. And none of the other controls would work. “Oops” said Windbreaker, “and we are out over the ocean. We have to all jump out of the plane before it crashes.” He handed everyone a parachute and they jumped out.
They landed in the water which was, thank goodness, nice and cold. Hoodie Man saw a big sign that read, “SECRET GOVERNMENT SCIENCE LAB” and said to the Windbreaker, “We made it. We made it.” So, they swam to the lab and Hoodie man ran inside. He stared in awe at all of the contraptions. There was a machine that made hoodies for hot summer days, a car with only one wheel, a stove that only went to cold, a refrigerator that only went to warm, a telephone that only called animals who had a phone, and other contraptions that no one could ever use. “Yep, it is a government plant alright”, said Windbreaker, ”but we need to find information on Stinky Tank Top.” Hoodie Man saw a covered up contraption in the corner of the lab. When he took the cover off, he saw a big washing machine. He rubbed some dirt on the jail house hoodie and put it in the washer with some detergent. Then, he hit the START button. …………….suspense………..
Hoodie Man waited for three seconds and the machine signal said DONE! When he took out the Jail House Hoodie, it was completely clean. Hoodie Man called over the rest of his friends and said, “Come on guys, look at this.” This must have been the washing machine that turned Stinky into Stinky Tank Top when they forgot to put in the detergent. So, they put some more dirt on the Jail house Hoodie and put it back in the washer without the detergent. In three seconds, the hoodie came out and started biting Hoodie Man’s leg. Windbreaker said that could be what created evil Stinky Tank Top but to test it, he put some more dirt on the hoodie and put it back in the washer but this time with the detergent. In three seconds, it came out but it was still evil, the detergent did not work. It will not fix evil. Hoodie Man pushed the evil hoodie back into the washer and locked it in so it could not do any more harm. Hoodie man said,” Oh no. If the washer won’t turn Stinky Tank top back to normal, what will?”
What will turn Stinky Tank Top back to normal? Will Hoodie Man ever order another stinger? What is Winter Gear Girl up to?
Tune in next time for Hoodie Man 4, Project Tank Top.
One winter day, Robot King Heat was thinking, “Boy, winter really stinks. It is not Hot outside at all. Even my lava bath froze, thank goodness I don’t use a shower. Wait, this could be a perfect revenge scheme for Robot Snowman. I’ll raise the heat really high like I did last year. Eh, Eh, Eh.”
Meanwhile in Winter Wonderland, Robot Snowman was decorating for Christmas by putting up lights but it was hard because of his new robot body. He thought, “Why did I get this new holiday version of my robotics, it is uncomfortable and it cost over $ 5,000 dollars.” He then went inside to hang ornaments on the Christmas tree. He looked at his new control panel and thought, “Now where is that Hang The Ornament button? Oh, there it is.” ZZZAAAPPPP!!! And the tree fizzled! “Oops, that must have been the Laser Pointer button. Now I’ll have to go get another one of those special electronic trees with the custom lights and that cost $5,000. I am out $15,000 dollars and still don’t have my tree up yet. AARRGGHH! I do not like Christmas!”
Then his phone rang and it was King Heat who had put a spy camera in Robot Snow Man’s House and said, “Hey, I hear you don’t like Christmas either and I was planning to spoil your Christmas. You have ruined my bad surprise.” Robot Snowman decided to blast the phone with the laser point. But, BBOOIINGG! Out popped the Christmas tree balls all over the floor. AAARRRGGH I pushed the wrong button again. I hate this new suit.” So, he tried to press the Remove Suit Button but accidently hit the Lock Suit Button. “AAARRRGGGHHH, now I have to find the Unlock Suit button.” He finally found the Unlock Suit Button and decided to end this horrible day and just go to bed.
He fell asleep, but then he heard a WWOOOSSSHHH which woke him up. He heard a voice slowly say, “Roobboott Snnoowwmmann.” Robot Snowman said, “Who and what is there?” The voice said, “I am the Goat Of Christmas Annoyance, and your bad attitude today annoyed me.” Robot Snowman said, “Why did you make a Whooshing noise if you are just a goat.” The goat replied, “Because I am a ghost goat.” Robot Snowman, “Ok, this is starting to sound like a weird story some kid would write to post on the internet.” The Goat said, “That may be true, but I am here to find out why you do not like Christmas anymore.” Robot Snowman said, “Alright, now this is sounding like a Charles Dickens book.” Just then, the Ghost Goat of Christmas Annoyance picked Robot Snowman off his bed and took him on a tour of the best Christmases ever. The first stop was………………..suspense………..
A goat family Christmas. Robot Snowman asked, “What’s so special about this?” The goat said, “It was the best Christmas ever. My brother, Ghost Goat Of Not Being Able To Cook, accidentally CLEANED THE GARBAGE that we were gonna eat, but we ate it anyway and all sang Christmas carols that night. It was amazing, Scrooge.” Robot Snowman said “MY NAME IS NOT SCROOGE IT IS ROBOT SNOWMAN!” Ghost goat said, “I got you confused with the guy I visited last year. But now it is time to make another stop.” And off they flew! But where to? …….suspense……..
Robot Snowman asked, “Where are we now?” The Goat said, ‘Well. Power Snowman, doesn’t this look familiar?” Robot Snowman said, “HEY, MY NAME IS NOT POWER SNOWMAN!” The Ghost Goat said, “Oops, that’s the guy that has no problems with Christmas at all.” So, Robot Snowman looked closer and saw his friends having a good time. There was Frosty the Snowman, The Good Abominable Snowman, and Rudy the Elf and they were singing Christmas carols around a tree. And he saw himself joining in the fun. “Oh, that was the super fun Christmas that was so special, but later King Heat ruined it by making it so hot that Frosty melted, Abominable Snowman fainted, and Rudy’s nose turned bright red.” The Goat said, “Sorry about that, but wasn’t it fun before that happened. Didn’t you enjoy that Christmas?” Robot Snowman admitted that he liked that Christmas, before King Heat ruined it. The Ghost Goat saw King Heat’s space ship in the sky and said, “Oh no, this must be when King heat ruined the Christmas. Trust me, I will not let him ruin another Christmas but let’s get out of here and go back to the present.”
Robot Snowman found himself back in bed and said, “What the Dickens is going on here.” He looked outside and it was cold and snowing. He went outside and made a snowman and then found an old silk hat and put it on his head…….guess what, Frosty was back. Then the Abominable Snowman ran out of some nearby bushes and said, “Boy it is good to be back and be cold again, it was not fun hiding out this past year. Then Rudy came up and said, “Hey guys, I found some good nose ointment, how do I look?” Frosty said, “That ointment may have worked but now your nose is blue, but that is an improvement.” Robot Snowman wondered how this had happened when he saw a note laying on the snow. It read, “Have a merry Christmas Robot snowman with your friends and you do not need the fancy new robotic suit or the $5,000 dollar tree, because you have your friends and that is what matters. Then he noticed King Heats spaceship coming at them. Oh no, he is going to try to ruin our Christmas again. ……….suspense……….
King Heat shouted over his loudspeaker, “I hear you like Christmas again, but not for long! King Heat said, Eh, Eh, Eh, here comes the heat!” But when he pressed the Hot button, noting happened. He pressed it again. Nothing happened. “AAARRRRGGUUUHHHH!!! What the Dickens is going on here” (Author’s note: Ok we used that before but I thought it was funny). The Goat Ghost appeared and said, “Merry Christmas fella, and head-butted King Heat into the abyss, where it was super cold. Then the Goat said, “I learned about the head butt from my other brother, Ghost Goat Of Minecraft Beta.” Then the Goat turned to Robot Snowman and said, “Make sure you enjoy Christmas and remember that it is not about expensive suits, expensive trees, Laser buttons or any of that stuff. It is about friends and family!”
As he flew out of sight, they heard him exclaim, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”
And a very Merry Christmas from Brady too.
NOW FOR THE 2020 CHRISTMAS Poem!
A Goatmas Holiday Poem
What do goats have in common with Christmas season, Technically there are a lot of really good reasons You may disagree but let me tell you that it is true And this is the story of one goat that I will tell you
One day a little goat who was shaggy like a wookie And sometimes liked to eat a chocolate chip cookie But mostly he liked eat paper, ribbons and boxes too So he loves Christmas because of what you do
You set out all of his favorite foods for him to see, And he hoped to find wrapped presents under a tree To him, it is a feast you sponsored just for him And If he eats it all, he certainly will not stay slim
But there were no presents, perhaps Santa was late, But he saw the cookies you left and all of them he ate And he drank the glass of milk you had left on the shelf But guess who saw him, the family’s special elf
The elf took out a walkie-talkie and called Mr. Clause and the elf asked Santa to wait a little bit because He reported that the goat had eaten Santa’s midnight treat And the elf was going to arrest the goat for “Grand Theft Eat”
So the elf saved the Christmas for the family that night And Santa was pleased that the elf made things right Because Santa left the presents after the goat was gone Now, you may think that the story is over, but you are wrong
And the elf’s idea for the goat would help keep the world neat The elf took the little goat to the large recycle center to eat All of the paper, ribbons, and boxes people had thrown away So, Santa, the family, elf, and goat all had a great Christmas Day!
Remember, the best gifts are not always from Santa!
Tune in next time for Robot Snowman, the story of Cat!
A summary of Robot Snowman – Merry Goatmas: In a world where there is a super hero who does not like Christmas, an evil villain plots in the shadows. Can a Ghostly Goat help our hero? Will King Heat’s evil plot work, again? Find out in this story.
“I loved this story so much. It really makes this Christmas good.” Frosty
“Oh, Christmas is no good and this story is terrible. I would rather have an airhorn.” Nartha
“This story will make presents rain down on you if you buy it.” Radba Akerba
“ARRRRGGGGUUUHHHH! I already posted my holiday story for this season. So you won’t see this on the website until JULY!” – Auntie Obvious
“I really don’t understand this story. What is a goat doing in this story. What does it have to do with the holiday season? This so hard!” – Gra
“I only like cute baby goats. Big Goats are freaky.” Mommylorian
By Auntie Obvious (Who is very grateful to Brady The Book Sailor for giving her some space on this website!)
Auntie Obvious loved to read. Now, if you are wondering how Auntie Obvious got her name, well…that’s kind of a long story. One for a different day.
On this day, Auntie Obvious was looking for her special bookmark. On the bookmark was a drawing of two happy dolphins playing in the ocean. The best part was the teeeeeny ceramic dolphin that hung from a light blue tassel that was looped around the top.
Auntie Obvious looked everywhere, and she found a lot of OTHER bookmarks that she was kind of embarrassed to admit she’d forgotten about – but her special bookmark was nowhere to be found.Just as Auntie Obvious was peeking underneath her refrigerator (where she found several dust bunnies, but no dolphin bookmarks), her cell phone started ringing. She stood up, brushed the dust bunnies off her sweatpants (she would have to deal with them later), and picked up the phone. It was an unknown number, which Auntie Obvious always found really annoying. She usually let those calls go to voice mail, but she picked up anyway. “Hello?”
“Oh, finally noticed I was gone, did you?”
Auntie Obvious was puzzled. “Who is this?”
“Duh,” said the voice on the other end of the line. “It’s your special bookmark, Marky.”
Auntie Obvious laughed nervously. She wondered what people would think if they knew she was having a phone conversation with a bookmark. “Your…name is Marky?”
“OH, YOU THINK MY NAME IS FUNNY?”
“No, no…that’s…um…an excellent name. So…uh, Marky…where are you?”
“Where are you?” Marky repeated in a mocking tone. “Don’t you care HOW I am?”
Apparently, Auntie Obvious had breached some sort of bookmark etiquette. “Um…yes! Of course! So…uh…Marky…HOW are you?”
“Actually, I’m terrible. Thanks for finally asking. Took you long enough.”
Auntie Obvious thought very carefully about her next question. She wanted to ask, “How did you get a cell phone?” Or, “How did you dial my number with no fingers?” But she didn’t want to breach bookmark etiquette again, so she took a deep breath, and said, “I’m really sorry to hear that, Marky. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Why yes,” said Marky, “there is.” “You can stop spending so much time with Doo Doo Head.”
Auntie Obvious was shocked. Even more shocked than she was to find herself talking on the phone to a bookmark. “You take that back RIGHT NOW, or I’m hanging up the phone,” she said sternly. “How DARE you talk about my nephew, Brady, that way?”
For a moment, there was silence on the other end of the line. Then Marky said, “Wait, what? I love Brady! He’s totally awesome! Why do you think he’s a Doo Doo Head?”
Auntie Obvious screamed into the phone: “I don’t! He’s NOT a Doo Doo Head! YOU said he was a Doo Doo Head!”
“I DID NOT SAY BRADY WAS A DOO DOO HEAD!”
Auntie Obvious took a deep breath. Now she wasn’t just talking on the phone to a bookmark. She was having a shouting match with one that involved using the word “Doo Doo Head”. A lot. She probably needed to lie down. Instead, she said, “OK, Marky, you clearly called *someone* a Doo Doo Head. So can you please tell me WHO the Doo Doo Head is?
“Oh, like you don’t KNOW.”
Auntie Obvious’ right eyebrow began to twitch. “Can you give me a hint? I mean, we’re in the middle of a pandemic. It’s not like I’ve been hanging out with very many people.”
“OK, fine. Since you clearly NEED A CLUE, I’ll give you four. ONE: Doo Doo Head is rectangular. TWO: Doo Doo Head has a purple cover. THREE: Doo Doo Head holds loads of books. Four: Doo Doo Head turns into a useless hunk of scrap metal and plastic when his battery runs out.”
Two clues in, Auntie Obvious was pretty sure she understood. “We’re…um…talking about my e-reader, aren’t we?”
“Took you long enough.”
“But…I…really LOVE my e-reader,” Auntie Obvious wailed. “I can take it on trips, and it hardly takes up any space in my suitcase!”
“Oh,” said Marky. “So you’ve done a lot of travelling in 2020?”
“I…well…I mean…no,” Auntie Obvious sputtered. “But…but…I can ALSO use it to highlight important passages while I’m reading a book!”
“Wow, that is impressive,” said Marky sarcastically. “If only there was something you could use to highlight important passages in regular books. You could call it…oh, I don’t know…a HIGHLIGHTER???
Auntie Obvious plopped down on the couch and sighed. She was not only having a loud argument over the phone with a bookmark, but the bookmark was actually making some excellent points. “Look, she said. Can’t I love you both? Maybe you could think of Libby as your annoying little sister?”
“My e-reader! Because it sounds kind of like “Library”! Ha, ha!”
“Oh, THAT’s super original,” Marky scoffed.
Auntie Obvious started to point out to Marky that bookmarks who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but she needed to get the conversation back on track. “Come on, wouldn’t it be great if we were all a big, happy, book reading family?”
“Fine,” said Marky. “But I have two conditions.”
“OK, what’s the first one?”
“You have to promise that my next job will be holding your place in a book from an independent, locally owned bookstore.”
“OK, that’s super reasonable,” said Auntie Obvious. What’s the other condition?”
“Your nephew’s website, BradyTheBookSailor.com, is doing a great job helping to get kids interested in reading. You should get him some promotional merch that will remind people to visit the website, so even MORE people will learn to love reading.”
“Wow, that’s actually a great idea,” said Auntie Obvious. “What do you think I should get? Drink koozies?”
“How about paper clip holders?”
“Ewwwwww. Gross. And probably really expensive”
“Yeah, that’s true. Hey! What about…bookmarks?”
“Took you long enough.”
So Auntie Obvious hung up the phone and ordered some promotional bookmarks for BradyTheBookSailor.com. Then she went online and ordered a book from her local, independently-owned bookstore.
Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Auntie Obvious saw a flash of movement. Right there, on the top of her “to be read” bookcase – where she was sure she had already looked a dozen times – was a teeny ceramic blue dolphin swinging on a light blue tassel…attached to a bookmark. It was Marky!
Auntie Obvious was super excited to find her special bookmark. And even though Marky and Libby were always a teeeeeensy bit jealous of each other, they all lived happily ever after as a big, happy, book reading – and book sailing – family.